her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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