Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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