I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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