Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
