I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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