My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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