I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
