if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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