smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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