"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
