So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
