My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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