Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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