well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
