I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
