the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
