wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
