Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
