My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
