I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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