i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
