It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
