the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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