I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
