tonight lets celebrate not being married
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
