Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Use "feeling words"
Yay
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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