Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
