So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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