Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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