The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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