he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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