his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
