just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
