just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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