These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
