Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
