piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
