you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
