I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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