What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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