Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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