she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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