he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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