He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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