I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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