Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
