the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
