he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
