I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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