You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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