i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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