I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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