Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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