running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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