My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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