dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
