I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
