I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
