So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Did I show you my penis last night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
